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Author Topic : A clean(ish) joke this time!!!! 
keithcurtis

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City: Romsey
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Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084
Views : 75437  Mar 29, 2007 2:29pm


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

" Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,

" No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed in a
helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

..................
....................
........................
...........................


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."


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Promise

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City: Wokingham - Berks
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Posts: 4621
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 4:28pm

heheeheh Cute

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Grah

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City: Market Weighton
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Posts: 60
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 4:43pm

Just received this one thought very funny !!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult,four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very,
very closely
"Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"








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keithcurtis

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City: Romsey
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Posts: 5084
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 4:46pm

Nice one!
It is so good to laugh and it put extra years on your life (so I have been told)


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Promise

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Posts: 4621
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 4:52pm

quoting post from Grah:


"Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"








HAHAHAHA

Too Funny )




Dave

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JD_Rose

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 5:06pm

ahh god thats a good one there cracked me up trust em to look for the one on the phone



only_james A.K.A Rozie, Rosewood, lol

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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 5:32pm

Another:

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."




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Promise

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 5:40pm

HEY HEY !!!!



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Promise

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 29, 2007 5:47pm

Aww.. the politicians can be friends... so can we...


a laugh here!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tTzs9G-VOZ4



Dave

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Lenz_Kappov

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 30, 2007 5:53am

Well, It's cleanish .............

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

MORAL: There are teachers.... and then there are educators.


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keithcurtis

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City: Romsey
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Posts: 5084
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Mar 30, 2007 8:17am


Nice one Paul, shows that clean ones can be funny as well

Keith


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Promise

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Member Since: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 4621
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 10:25am

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

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bonita_x

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City: kent
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Posts: 767
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 10:49am

hehe that definatly made me giggle x x x

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emma_c

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 10:57am

Some fab ones here. Don't know any clean ones I'm afraid.

Very funny ones yes but by no means clean

Emma

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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 5:53pm

quoting post from emma_c:


Some fab ones here. Don't know any clean ones I'm afraid.

Very funny ones yes but by no means clean

Emma


No worries Emma, I will start "my dirtiest joke" thread next, just for you lol

Nice one Dave, like Bonita it made me chuckle as well.

Keith


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Knockout

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 6:55pm

Another contribution...



A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push,"he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
The drunk replied, "Over here on the swing!"



Keith.


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 NickG



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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 7:11pm

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer

A: Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.

-Nick
(Insert witty slogan here)

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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 7:58pm

LMAO
(left out the "F" because it is a clean thread)

I just heard that this Jamaican boxer had a terrible car accident and the poor guy had to have his legs amputated.

Good news though, he has gone back in the ring and managed 5 bouts without defeat

Keith


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Wanted

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Posts: 568
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 6, 2007 9:29pm

Can't take credit for this as Rebbeca in Melbourne sent it to me a couple of months ago.

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for sex with no strings attached. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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Wanted

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 5:57am

Sherlie someone has another joke

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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keithcurtis

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Posts: 5084
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 6:56am

Thanks for keeping them coming ..... here's another!

A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new
club
in
town?", The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up
getting my head kicked in" So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a
bit
of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough,
as long as you'll look after me", and off they went. After a few more beers
in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides
under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and starts
kicking him,punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they
get
bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to
the
table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I
thought you were going to look after me.
I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol".



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 NickG



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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 2:06pm

I went to a seafood Disco over the weekend.

Pulled a mussel...

-Nick
(Insert witty slogan here)

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bolton_tog

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 2:22pm

Just a warning do not click the link

Link: Do no click if easy offended xxxx
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keithcurtis

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Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084
RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 3:16pm

quoting post from bolton_tog:


Just a warning do not click the link


I could'nt help myself ... I just had to click (and reply)

Keith


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bolton_tog

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 3:25pm

quoting post from keithcurtis:

I could'nt help myself ... I just had to click (and reply)

Keith


Did you enjoy the pussy you naughty man

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