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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 3:33pm

quoting post from bolton_tog:


Did you enjoy the pussy you naughty man


Difficult word to google this days (or easy)

Here is another joke that made me smile

The Story:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,

Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".


Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!



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Knockout

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 5:55pm

Sort of clean.....



A little girl walks into the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper."Where does poo come from?" she asks.

Her father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."


The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asks in a little voice:










... "and Tigger?"


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 NickG



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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 6:12pm

quoting post from Knockout:

Sort of clean.....



A little girl walks into the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper."Where does poo come from?" she asks.

Her father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."


The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asks in a little voice:










... "and Tigger?"


I love it!

-Nick
(Insert witty slogan here)

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Guestie

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 6:52pm

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The students laughed.

"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Regards

Paul

Photography - "Drawing pictures with light"

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Wanted

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 10:12pm

Good advise Guestie

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 10:47pm

quoting post from Wanted:


Good advise Guestie

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.


I agree.
Gave me a laugh but also a reality check

Keith


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Wanted

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RE: A clean joke this time!!!! Apr 9, 2007 11:36pm

A bloke comes to see a Psychologist.
Wearing only gladwrap (food wrap) for pants

The psychologist said " I can see, you'rrrrrrrrrre nuts.


Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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keithcurtis

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Time for another one


A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father,
It has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the
sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?!" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."



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keithcurtis

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Just got this little gem today

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder?" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"



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keithcurtis

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RE: A clean(ish) joke this time!!!! Apr 28, 2007 11:10am

Just got this in an email from a mate about a blonde girl going into a garage because her car was not running right.
The mechanic fixed it in two minutes.
What was it she asked him.
Just shit in the air filter, he said.
How often do I have to do that, she asked.


Keith



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Wanted

Photographer
City: Central Coast
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Posts: 568

This innocent thread is slowly falling apart.

A small boy asks his mother why brides wear white.
Mum says "That's because it shows how pure the bride is on her wedding day"
Not convinced he ask his Dad who thinks!!!!! and says
"Have a look around the kitchen, all the appliances are white."


P.S. Just a joke girls, not my opioion, I'm the kitchen hand at our place.

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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Lenz_Kappov

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Man goes to see his doctor with a grape in one ear, a piece of baby sweet-corn in the other, and a small carrot stuck up one nostril.
"What's wrong with me doc?" he asked.
"Nothing, " replied the doctor. "You just need to eat more sensibly."



"To you it's light; To me it's raw material" - Lenz Kappov

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martyn

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Ward 10 of the local cottage hospital

The screens are drawn around bed 3 on the left side of the ward ~ agonised screams are heard from behind

Sister comes running and disappears behind the screens and a voice is heard

"You idiot Student Nurse Jones ~ I told you to prick his boil"



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emma_c

Model
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Posts: 3250

Ok ever so slightly rude -

A man had a £50 note tattoed on his manhood

His wife comes home and asks him why he would do such a thing

He replies -

1- I like to see my money grow

2 - I like to play with my money

3 - I like having money in my hand

and 4 - Next time you decide you want to blow £50 you can stay at home to do it


Emma xx

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keithcurtis

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Larry_P

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Just bought a race horse called "my face" it may not be any good but i cant wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming "come on my face"

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Larry_P

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Why did the tiger get lost ?






Cos jungle is massive init

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Larry_P

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FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.


1 Its important to have a man who helps at home,cooks cleans and has a job


2 Its important to have a man that makes you laugh



3 Its important to have a man you can trust and does not lie



4 Its important to have a man who is good in bed and likes being with you


5 Its very very important that these four bastards dont know each other!

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keithcurtis

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Cheers larry for bringing the thread back to life

Here's one more.

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because
they have requested an audience, and as they are THE
Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do
for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there
any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there
are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the other 6 dwarfs
start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them
a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Um Your Worshipful Holiness,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment
and then answers,
"Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into
laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme
holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
nun anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope
responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf
nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling,
laughing and pounding the floor, tears rolling
down their cheeks as they
begin chanting......
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"




Keith
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Sapphyre_uk

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Larry's got a good dwarf joke

Sapphyre - www.sapphyreimaging.co.uk

E-numbers enhance my personality

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keithcurtis

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Just arrived

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bruce and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked Bruce. The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Bruce walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
Flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bruce swaggered back
To his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Bruce, I'd heard of that bloody Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."





Keith
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 Razoir



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City: Crediton
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Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

TRUE story, honest.

I was at work and called to see a YP (young prisoner) who was complaining of breathing difficulties.

I went in to his cell and asked him how he was. He was showing NO signs of breathing problems at all.

He said, "I can't bweath."

I said, "Can you bweath in?"

He, "No."

Me, "Can you bweath out?"

He, "No."

Me, "When did you last bweath?"

He, "Last Tuesday."

It was at this point his cell-mate had to bury his head under his pillow and one of the screws had to leave the cell.

"I told him he could see the doctor in the morning and in the meantime, if he stopped bweathing completely he was to shout for help. He was completely happy with that.

Strange, some of the people I work with.




Huge, Hairy Jeremy. Honorary member: The Taffia.
Godfather of the Ooh Aarh chapter!
Razoir

"Keep smiling maniacally, it frightens the crap out of the sane people"

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kazstudio

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keithcurtis

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Classic!!




Keith
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Wanted

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Rastus and Merry-lou were about to have sex on their wedding night.

Merry-lou lying in bed while Rastus was getting undressed at the end of the bed.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toe's were all mangled up.

Merry-lou said "what happened to your toe's Rastus?"

He said "Oh Merry-lou I had some of that Toe-main-fever."

Then he takes his pants off to reveal Scared and deformed knees

Merry-lou said "Rastus!!!!!!!!! what happened to your knees?"

He said "Oh merry-lou , I had some of that knee-monia."

He then took of the rest of his cloths.

and Merry-lou said "Oh thank God Rastus,

It's good that you never had that Dick-theoria."

Paulee
If you always do, what you've always done.
You'll always get, what you always got.

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