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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

The Wife's night out
(Read the text first then click the link to the picture)

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh, knowing she's going
To have a monster hangover.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she
Used last night.

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You then circle the car looking for dents and find none.

But... Wait a minute... what's that...?

................................... Now you can look at the picture





Keith
_____________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


Link: WIFES NIGHT OUT PICTURE
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Larry_P

Model
City: Canvey island
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 28, 2006
Posts: 343



Latest news ;Apple computers have announced they have developed a computer chip that can be implanted into a womans breast and play music .

The i tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough,as women are always moaning that men usually stare at their tits and never listen to them!

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Marianne_Davies



Photographer
City: London
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7908

quoting post from keithcurtis:


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

" Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,

" No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed in a
helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

..................
....................
........................
...........................


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."


pmsl I read it and did the whispering bit now DANID and her dad are giggling
Marianne



Hugs ....... they Just make you all warm and inside xxx

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 Razoir



Photographer
City: Crediton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

quoting post from Marianne_Davies:

they Just make you all warm and inside xxx

I thought that was baked potatoes.



Huge, Nasty, Hairy Jeremy. Scourge of Voldemort, crusher of the vile. The evil crushed while you wait.
Honorary member: The Taffia. Godfather Ooh Aarh chapter!

Razoir

"Keep smiling maniacally, it frightens the crap out of the sane people"

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Marianne_Davies



Photographer
City: London
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7908

quoting post from  Razoir:

I thought that was baked potatoes.



Huge, Nasty, Hairy Jeremy. Scourge of Voldemort, crusher of the vile. The evil crushed while you wait.
Honorary member: The Taffia. Godfather Ooh Aarh chapter!

Razoir

"Keep smiling maniacally, it frightens the crap out of the sane people"


oh don't I want a baked potatoe now and it's bed time

Night

Marianne



Hugs ....... they Just make you all warm and inside xxx

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

quoting post from Marianne_Davies:


pmsl I read it and did the whispering bit now DANID and her dad are giggling
Marianne



Hugs ....... they Just make you all warm and inside xxx


Just made me laugh again as well

Here's another

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."




Keith
_____________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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MarkBaigent

Photographer
City: Chelmsford, Essex
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Sep 29, 2006
Posts: 460

Why Are Men Happier


Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £2000, Tux rental-£100.

Phone conversations take 30 seconds.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December the 24 in 25 minutes.









































Best wishes

Mark Baigent
http://www.markbaigent.co.uk


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MarkBaigent

Photographer
City: Chelmsford, Essex
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Sep 29, 2006
Posts: 460

Apologies to all blondes, especially the real ones....

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his
apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his 'Johnson'.
Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot
woman, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment
for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to
watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.
After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A
friend had told him that cold milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of ice cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

Best wishes

Mark Baigent
http://www.markbaigent.co.uk


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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

The Nicoderm Patch


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis
And notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your
Penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day. "

...IF YOU LAUGH...YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!


Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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martyn

Photographer
City: Cardiff
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Dec 5, 2002
Posts: 3510

quoting post from  Razoir:

I was at work and called to see a YP (young prisoner) who was complaining of breathing difficulties.


and then of course there was the teenage girl wanting to commence the contraceptive pill and so went with her mum to visit the GP.

The doctor did the usual checks, got his stethoscope, put the earpieces in his ears and placed the cold end on the young ladys' chest saying

"big breaths"

to which the girsl replied

"yeth, and I am only thicthteen"

Martyn Pinches
www.imagewales.co.uk

TAFFIA Commander In Chief ~ South Wales Model Support Unit
+++++++++
"trust me ~ I'm a photographer"


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martyn

Photographer
City: Cardiff
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Dec 5, 2002
Posts: 3510

I originally posted this as a separate topic, now deleted

Quote:

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the new Wembley Stadium. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the inspector comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all !!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And I'm still trying to figure out why some men ever think they are smarter than women!!!



Martyn Pinches
www.imagewales.co.uk

TAFFIA Commander In Chief ~ South Wales Model Support Unit
+++++++++
"trust me ~ I'm a photographer"


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robphot

Photographer
City: Portsmouth
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Mar 21, 2007
Posts: 254

3 naked men in a sauna, an american, japanese and irishman. They hear a beepingsound, the american touches his arm n say's thats my pager, i have a microchip under my skin. Next a phone rings and the japanese man lifts his palm to his ear & say's i have a microchip in my hand. the irishman feeling very lowtech goes to the toilet and comes back with toilet paper hangin out of his arse, he say's oh would you look at that I am getting a fax.


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Tonia123

Model
City: Cardiff
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 9, 2007
Posts: 97

A husband just finished reading a book, "The man of the House", he storms into the kitchen, pointing a finger at his wife...

"From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of the house and my word is law. You WILL prepare a gourmet meal for me tonight and every night! After the meal, you WILL draw me a bath and after my bath, you WILL lie on the bed and take what's coming to you, and after that, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Wife: The bloody undertaker!

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Tonia123

Model
City: Cardiff
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 9, 2007
Posts: 97

A husband just finished reading a book, "The man of the House", he storms into the kitchen, pointing a finger at his wife...

"From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of the house and my word is law. You WILL prepare a gourmet meal for me tonight and every night! After the meal, you WILL draw me a bath and after my bath, you WILL lie on the bed and take what's coming to you, and after that, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Wife: The bloody undertaker!

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RoninUK

Photographer
City: Ruislip
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 20, 2006
Posts: 2596

An insufferably unpleasant Tax inspector turns up unannounced for a secret audit of a synagogue.

"Come in " says the Rabbi "I've been expecting you!"

"Impossible" says the Tax inspector "No one knows when we are goiing to conduct a secret audit!" "How could you possibly know I was coming?"

"Well" says the Rabbi "my people have known hunger and want and we do not believe in waste

When we break bread in our ceremonies we sweep up the crumbs and send the back to the baker and once a year he sends us a basket of rolls

When we drink wine in our ceremonies we send the dregs back to the vintner and once a year he sends us a crate of wine

For years after our circumcisions we have been sending the foreskins to the Inland Revenue - so they were past due to send along a little prick like you!"



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robphot

Photographer
City: Portsmouth
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Mar 21, 2007
Posts: 254

A PHOTOGRAPHERS DILEMA: You are on a photo shoot in an area of devastation with torrential rain and large waves are ebing from the nearby swollen river (Gloucester or Bristol?), and suddenly you notice the Prime Minister getting out of a car to visit the scene of destruction.

Just as you are getting ready to take a shot, a huge wave washes him and his staff into the terrible murky waters - and only you are left on land. You can either save the Prime Minister by throwing him a rope, or take a unique shot of him drowning.

You are in a terrible dilema and you only have a second to decide.....Do you use wide angle, or telephoto lens?...

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.



They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times last year."



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."



They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 120 times last year."



The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."



They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that read, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."



The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."



The husband looked at her and said bravely, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."



NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery


Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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Lenz_Kappov

Photographer
City: Bournemouth
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Nov 6, 2006
Posts: 2519

Child to Policeman: "I've lost my Chamelion! Will you help me look for it?"
Policeman: "Glad to . What colour is it?"

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Wanted

Photographer
City: Central Coast
Country: Australia
Member Since: Sep 12, 2006
Posts: 568
RE: A clean(ish) joke this time!!!! Sep 26, 2007 10:01pm

A bloke leaves the Pub, drops his keys and falls down the stairs trying to pick them up.

He then goes to a Ford and the keys don't fit, he tries 6 other Fords before he can find one the keys fit.

Open the Car door and while getting in, Drops the keys again, and falls out of the car trying to pick them up again.

The police are across the road watching this and think I'll have to do something about this, this bloke is going to kill someone or himself.

But before they can the blokes started the car and roared off out of the pub driveway up the road with the police in hot pursuit.

They catch up to him about 3 klms down the road and pull him over.

And say to him"Have you been drink?"
He says "No, not a drop"
So the copper gives him a breath test and it comes back negative--zero.
The copper then then says"You must be on drugs I'm going to take you the the station for a drug test.

They get to the station and he takes the drug test which also comes back negative--zero.

So the copper says to him "Look mate, I saw you drop the keys and fall down, try all the different cars, and fall down again and stager all round the place. Yet you not pissed or on drugs. I got me beat, off the record, I just need to know what's going on."


The bloke says "Off the record"

"I'm the designated DECOY"

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SteveCheshire

Photographer
City: Lakenheath
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Mar 30, 2006
Posts: 4417

I had this one sent to me (as you do).
I just thought I'd share it.

>>> > A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
>>>years.
>>> > He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
>>>finds
>>> > a young couple in bed.
>>>
>>> > He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
>>> > the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
>>> > kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>>>
>>> > While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
>>> > "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
>>>He's
>>> > probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
>>> > years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
>>>resist,
>>> > don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
>>> > how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
>>>If
>>> > he gets angry, he'll kill us both Be strong, honey. I love you!"
>>>
>>> > His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
>>>in
>>> > my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked
>>>if
>>> > we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
>>> > honey. I love you,too!


"living the dream"

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

Thanks for "slipping" that one in Steve ...... LMFAO

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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SteveCheshire

Photographer
City: Lakenheath
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Mar 30, 2006
Posts: 4417

My pleasure Keith.

"living the dream"

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Lenz_Kappov

Photographer
City: Bournemouth
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Nov 6, 2006
Posts: 2519

A woman is walking through Kensington one day, when passing a posh pet shop, she notices a beautiful kitten in the window underneath a large sign that reads "Rare Amsterdam Cat for sale". Being a cat breeding expert with over thirty years of experience breeding cats, she is slightly perplexed and somewhat curious, having never heard of Amsterdam cats before. Suspicious that it might be a scam, she decided to enter the shop and find out more. So in she went, cornered the shop manager, and tunefully asked him, "#How Dutch is that Moggy in the window?#".



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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

I got some good news,

The bloke that fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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Bob

Photographer
City: Honiton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Dec 26, 2003
Posts: 10582

Farmer Giles, Nick's dad, decides to set up a Farm Shop in a small barn backing onto the main road, as a way of cashing in on the current 'organic' boom. So he buys a couple of chill cabinets off E-bay, makes some rustic shelving from old fence boards, dresses up Mrs Giles in a clean pinny, stocks the place with produce and sticks a signboard outside the farm gate:-

¤ Free Range Eggs
¤ Full Cream Milk
¤ Fresh Chickens
¤ New Potatoes
¤ Farm Cured Bacon
¤ Butcher's Choice Sausages
¤ Organic Vegetables
¤ Paracetemol & Aspirin


Within minutes, Mr & Mrs G. have their first customer, who buys a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, half a pound of sausages and a pint of milk. Noticing that the chap has a puzzled expression on his face while paying, and knowing that his prices are very competitive, Mr G. asks the customer if something is wrong.

"No, I'm just a bit puzzled as to why you are selling headache pills alongside your produce", says the chap.

To which the shopkeeper replies: "Oy also be a varmer zee?"



I think I'd better get my coat.

Bob


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