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 Razoir



Photographer
City: Crediton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

Duck walks into a bar, "Ham sandwich please, barman".

"Get out," says the barman, "we do not serve ham sandwiches to ducks."

Next day, Duck comes in and he say, "Ham sandwich please barman."

"I told you yesterday, we do not serve ducks ham sandwiches."

Next day, Duck comes in and he say, "Ham sandwich please barman."

"I told you yesterday, we do not serve ducks ham sandwiches."

Next day, Duck comes in and he say, "Ham sandwich please barman."

"I told you yesterday, we do not serve ducks ham sandwiches."

Next day, Duck comes in and he say, "Ham sandwich please barman."

"I told you yesterday, we do not serve ducks ham sandwiches and whats more if you come in here tomorrow and ask for a ham sandwich I will nail your little webby feet to the floor."

Next day, Duck comes in and he say, "Got any nails?"

The barman he say, "No."


"I'll have a ham sandwich then," say the duck.


Huge Hairy Jeremy.

Tafia Man, Voldemort's nemesis, Scourge of evil.

Unchain my heart, so I can use the chains on you.

I do it in a different part of the spectrum but I still do it!


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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

Reminds me of the bloke that went into a french resteraunt and said "have you got frogs legs" to which the reply was "yes" so he said "good! hop over the counter and make me a ham sandwich"

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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 NickG



Photographer
City: Ealing
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Aug 16, 2004
Posts: 2600

Have we had the occasion of the interviewer woh asked Paul MacCartney if he thought he would ever go down on one knee again.

Macca said, "I'd rather you referred to her as Heather"

-Nick G

*Insert witty comment here*

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 Razoir



Photographer
City: Crediton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

I will sing for you, the Suicide blues.



"I woke up this morning.....






BUGGER!"





Huge Hairy Jeremy.

Tafia Man, Voldemort's nemesis, Scourge of evil.

Unchain my heart, so I can use the chains on you.

I do it in a different part of the spectrum but I still do it!


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Paulographics1953

Photographer
City: Manchester
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 21, 2004
Posts: 5815

A Mafia Boss had a deaf accountant on the premise that he would never be able to overhear anything incriminating at meetings.

Said accountant turns out to be bent and embezzles large sums.

The Boss has the accountant hauled in for questioning but him being deaf he needs someone with sign language. The only one he knows with this skill is a rival Boss.

They both question the accountant as follows interpreted in sign language.

Boss 1 "What have you done with the money you stole from me, and remember I am holding a gun to your head?"

Accountant "I don't know what you are talking about."

Boss 1 to Boss 2 "Tell him it's his last chance"

Accountant to Boss 2 "It's under the floor in my brothers lock-up"

Boss 1 to Boss 2 " What did he say?"

Boss 2 " He says your too chicken to pull the trigger"

Honour amongst thieves.

Paul



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 Razoir



Photographer
City: Crediton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

quoting post from Paulographics1953:

A Mafia Boss had a deaf accountant on the premise that he would never be able to overhear anything incriminating at meetings.

Said accountant turns out to be bent and embezzles large sums.

The Boss has the accountant hauled in for questioning but him being deaf he needs someone with sign language. The only one he knows with this skill is a rival Boss.

They both question the accountant as follows interpreted in sign language.

Boss 1 "What have you done with the money you stole from me, and remember I am holding a gun to your head?"

Accountant "I don't know what you are talking about."

Boss 1 to Boss 2 "Tell him it's his last chance"

Accountant to Boss 2 "It's under the floor in my brothers lock-up"

Boss 1 to Boss 2 " What did he say?"

Boss 2 " He says your too chicken to pull the trigger"

Honour amongst thieves.

Paul



An allegedly true story from work.

A detention centre had a prisoner escape onto the rood, rapidly followed by another guy.

The first one was shouting to the officers below and the second was agreeing, in English, with everything that number one said.

An intepreter finally arrived and when asked what number one was saying he said, "He says if you do not give him what he wants he is going to chuck the other bloke of the roof."



Huge Hairy Jeremy.

Tafia Man, Voldemort's nemesis, Scourge of evil.

Unchain my heart, so I can use the chains on you.

I do it in a different part of the spectrum but I still do it!


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Paulographics1953

Photographer
City: Manchester
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 21, 2004
Posts: 5815

A true story from a court lawyer acquaintance.

Upon being sentenced to a term of imprisonment the prisoner swore and cursed at the Judge saying F..ck off you and such.

The Judge ordered him brougt back up and said;

" I heard your remarks going down, now you can f..ck off to jail"

Paul

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Paulographics1953

Photographer
City: Manchester
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 21, 2004
Posts: 5815

A not so clean limerick.

A dirty old "toggy" from Oldham
Would only shoot models who showed 'em
He'd shoot all their "bits"
Especially tits
And pay them much more if they'd hold 'em

Paul

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

A womans breasts are are like a trainset at Christmas, originally designed for the kids but the Dads always want to play with them

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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Sparksphotographic

Photographer
City: Rochester
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Feb 24, 2007
Posts: 113

(You can substitute scouser for anything !!) Nothing against our Liverpudlian breveran - made me laugh !

Clean(ish) well for me anyway !


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,


and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.



After the show, Cilla says,

'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable


After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the cow stole ma wallet !'




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Paulographics1953

Photographer
City: Manchester
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jul 21, 2004
Posts: 5815

A mean old sod from Belgrave,
Found a dead whore in a cave,
He thought "She's not rusting
and only needs dusting"
"And think of the money I'll save"


Paul

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ArtInFocus

Photographer
City: London
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 3, 2004
Posts: 5091

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show
him the horse’s ears.

"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoveshis head deep inside the horse's private parts. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

Great stuff everyone.

Something topical (on both counts)

A womans breasts are like a train set at Christmas.
They are intended for kids but the dads love to play with them as well.

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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 Razoir



Photographer
City: Crediton
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Jan 17, 2006
Posts: 5028

Three blokes die on Cristmas day.

When they arrive at the pearly gates St.Peter say that he will dispense with the usual formalities and let them in if they each have something christmasy about their person.

Bloke one pulls out some holly. OK says St.Peter.

The second bloke pulls out a cracker. OK says St.Peter.

The third bloke pulls out a very fetching pair of knickers.

"What is christmasy about them," says St.Peter?

"They're carol's," says the bloke.

Huge Hairy Jeremy.

Tafia Man, Voldemort's nemesis, Scourge of evil.

Unchain my heart, so I can use the chains on you.

I do it in a different part of the spectrum but I still do it!


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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

Man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.

Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have
2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.

I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows
Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS.

Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?

Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle
Of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her.


Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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GeorgieK

Model
City: Andover
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Aug 28, 2007
Posts: 1746

Propperly laughed out loud at this one!!!


LOL

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

quoting post from GeorgieK:

Propperly laughed out loud at this one!!!


LOL


So did I (even though I got a canon and an assortment of "white" lenses)

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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DV8

Photographer
City: East Yorkshire
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Aug 29, 2003
Posts: 1109

Little white guy steps into a lift & fixes his eyes on this Huge black guy
"christ you`re big" says the little white guy

Black guy replies " 7 foot 6, 300 pound in weight, 84 inch chest, 21 inch penis, 3 pound in each ball" shakes the guys hand & says Turner Brown.

The little white guy passes out, next thing he knows he`s been brought round by the big black guy. the black guy says "what happened.
The little white guy says " can you run all that by me again please"

Black guy replies " 7 foot 6, 300 pound in weight, 84 inch chest, 21 inch penis, 3 pound in each ball" shakes the guys hand & says Turner Brown.
The little white guy replies " thank F**k for that i thought you said Turn around"


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blondemoments

Model
City: Cardiff
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Oct 18, 2007
Posts: 56

I've just found this one

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made,
and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened
the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to
know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk.

I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.


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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Chelsea and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No - that's the end of the queue."

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

> > A Man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
> >
> > After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
> > getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
> >
> > The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
> >
> > The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
> > but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
> > how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
> >
> > The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
> > instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
> >
> > The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.
> >
> > He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
> > means he has to impregnate the sheep.
> >
> > So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out
> > into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes
> > to bed.
> >
> > Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
> >
> > Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces
> > that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again.
> >
> > He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice
> > for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
> >
> > Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just
> > standing around.
> >
> > One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them
> > up and drive them out to the woods.
> >
> > He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning
> > home, falls listlessly into bed.
> >
> > The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the
> > bed to look at the sheep.
> >
> > He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
> > lying in the grass.
> >
> > "No," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them
> > is beeping the horn."


Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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McGillicuddy

Photographer
City: Warrington
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Aug 6, 2005
Posts: 2668

quoting post from Guestie:

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The students laughed.

"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Regards

Paul

Photography - "Drawing pictures with light"


just brilliant

McGillicuddy 60% Photographer 40% Magician

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily:'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back,'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on,'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman,'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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regthecat

Photographer
City: Kingston-upon-thames
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: Oct 10, 2007
Posts: 670

A model is peaking toi a photographer about a nude location shoot they are planning.

the model says "I have to warn you that I am on my menstrual cycle"

The photographer replies....

"That's ok, don't worry. I'll just follow you on my moped!"

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keithcurtis

Thread Starter / Photographer
City: Romsey
Country: United Kingdom
Member Since: May 28, 2005
Posts: 5084

My Christmas message:

Keith
________________________________
www.keithcurtis.co.uk


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